Barriers to Relationships—Trust and Risk

A man who moved to Los Angeles and has not been successful in establishing a serious relationship with a woman for several years now made a revealing observation to me recently. He said, “Women in this city have no real romantic pursuits.” He explained that their fantasies are largely delusional, rather than aspirational. They dream of marrying a ridiculously wealthy man, well-connected, who owns a mansion and will allow them to simply escape all the difficulties and stresses of life in LA.

While we spoke about this, he continued his thought. “They don’t display vulnerability. I’m not sure many of them even know what that is.” He finds the women in Los Angeles to be closed. They don’t reveal weakness, only strength. Often, one of the first things he hears when he gets to know a woman is, “I’m independent—I don’t need a man.” And then he wonders, “Well then what am I here for?”

I asked him what the practical effect is of being with a woman who is neither romantic nor vulnerable. “There is no intimacy.”

He said this with a mixture of incredulity and resignation. Sex, he explained, is quite available…common, even. But intimacy is rare. Sex doesn’t require any foundation. It’s simply an activity. Emotional connection is optional.